Let’s Kick 2018 Right in the Dick



So 2017 has certainly been an interesting and adventurous year in the world of ol’ JP.

I’ve made numerous advancements in my professional life, developed an extensive list of new and powerful contacts, forged some excellent new relationships, and above all, had a blast doing it.

These last few weeks however have been riddled with challenges to say the least.

I’ve experienced a few personal losses that certainly left their mark, took a rough loss in the political realm on the chin like a beast, and then just when I thought I had bounced back from a debilitating illness that chewed me up like so much rock-hard bubblegum from inside of baseball card packs from the 80’s, I managed to gracefully eat shit the other night and break the ever-loving fuck out of my shoulder.

While I’m especially pissed about that last little chestnut, I’ve been using some of the down time to chart my course for the utter destruction of this coming year.

I fully plan on leveraging what I’ve been able to produce and build in this past year to develop the most dominant professional, financial, and personal lifestyle of achievement in my three and a half decades on this rock.

I have numerous new business ventures and strategic partnerships in the works, a handful of political strategies to unleash and implement, some limiting or challenging obstacles to eradicate, and I’ll be breaking new ground as well as re-rentering old territory on the physical front by exploring new challenges and returning to the fight world with a vengeance.

Simply put, 2018 is going to be a supermodel sixty-nine of a year for JP, and I eagerly await getting balls deep in this next chapter of the millennium, but I want as many of you to join me on this panty raid as possible so I’m reaching out to you with my one good arm via this keyboard, with a Bombay rocks to my right, and Gaga on the Bose to tell you what I have up my non-slung sleeve for you.

In order for you to join me in my quest to defile the coming year and leave it in a quivering heap, like a pathetic, lesser man after facing rejection at the loosest of “all welcome” walk-in brothels, I’ve created a few awesome options for you to choose from.

Take a look at these bad mo fo’s:


TEAM PAIN January 2018

TEAM PAIN is my twelve-week course that allows you to join a team of individuals who are hell bent on making lasting change in their bodies, and getting in the sickest, nastiest shape of their lives.

For the last three years I’ve coached close to a hundred trainees through these courses and the results have been nothing less than incredible, with many participants coming back for more in later classes.

The September 2017 class has been one of the most successful classes to date, as I’ve overhauled the programming and format consistently in order to deliver the best possible product.

As a participant in this course, you receive weekly, customized programming, based on your goals and fitness level, direct from me, with constant feedback via email and text message along the way.

The work is hard and very demanding (though entirely scaled and tailored to your fitness level and/or specific challenges). I do not hold your hand, and I expect you to leave it all on the floor at the end of your sessions, but I ensure you that those who give these classes their all are ecstatic about the results that they produce over the course of the twelve weeks.

If you want to know what it’s like to be trained by me personally day-in-day-out, and are up for an intense and extremely demanding physical and mental challenge, this course is for you.

If you’re ready to sign up now, you’ll be able to in a minute, but read on first to hear what I have in store with the next option…


Six and Twelve Session Personal Coaching Packages (With an Unprecedented BONUS)

If you’re ready to take your entire life by the balls and shape it into the masterpiece that it absolutely can and should be like Kate UptonĀ in a barely-buttoned men’s dress shirt moaning as she works her hands over wet clay on a wheel to make something infinitely more beautiful than that shitty “ash tray”/”trinket holder that looked like the petrified shell of an overcooked Stouffer’s stuffed pepper found in Incan ruins that you made for your mother in second grade art class, some straight one-on-one time with JP is exactly what you need.

Unless you just popped out of the ass end of a birthing Yak, you’re no doubt aware that I’ve produced countless success stories with my Personal Coaching clients for just shy of a decade now.

I work with people from all walks of life on a wide variety of different subjects to assist them in producing the quality of life that they desire.

Whether it’s overcoming irrational fears or phobias, developing entrepreneurial endeavors to exit the workplace or just produce a new income stream, beefing up communication skills to make one more effective in all social environments, learning and mastering new leadership skills, or navigating the intricate dynamic that exists between the sexes to ensure a vibrant life, padded with frequent and high-quality sex, I’ve been your man for some time now.

Right now you can score a crazy deal on Six or Twelve One-on-One, Personal Coaching sessions with me at a massive savings.

The Six session deal saves you $200 off of the normal price, and the Twelve session deal saves you a whopping $500!

…but as if that wasn’t enough I’ve decided to offer something I’ve never offered before as part of this “Kick 2018 in the Dick” campaign…

Anyone who purchases a Six or Twelve session Personal Coaching package will also receive full Access to the TEAM PAIN January 2018 class for ZERO additional charge!

That’s right, the savings there is almost too much to do the math on for me right now considering this broken shoulder has seriously fucked with my sleep the last few nights and I’m probably a bit delirious, but yes, you’ll get ALL of the One-on-One sessions with me on the phone, as well the ability to take part in the baddest fitness and body transformation training class on the planet, and all at an unprecedented discount.

Whether you want to dive in for the full, three-hole rodeo and opt for the Personal Coaching/TEAM PAIN option, or you say to me, “You know what JP, I already got all the power, money, and sex I need, I just want a badder physique” and choose to just join up for TEAM PAIN, you will not see a deal like this one again.

Now as you can imagine, I’m not offering this indefinitely, and I can’t take on too many people for this, so I’m only accepting a handful of you, and I’m closing registration next Friday, December 22, at midnight at the very latest.

TEAM PAIN slots sell out quick, and I only offer 6-8 per class, so there’s a damn good chance this entire deal will be taken down well before the 22nd, so I highly encourage you to act now and get aboard this choo choo so we can run a proper train on this motherfucker come January 1.

You know you want to be a part of this, and unless you’re a huge pussy who wants to bitch and complain about how things aren’t the way he wants them to be in his life instead of picking his dick up from the dirt and doing something about his situation, you can rest assured that I want you on board with the rest of us as well.

Get on this guys, I’m already doing my dick-kick stretches over here, limbering up for the new year. I need you guys to show me you’re ready to boot this fucker through the uprights right alongside me by getting your assess registered NOW.

Talk soon Bad Asses,


Click the banner below to view these killer deals, and select your plan of attack for dick-kicking 2018 NOW!



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